A few words about ghosts
02.01.2012
Maybe D.'s force comes from his belief that he is one of the best? One of the most talented? Numbers are his fuel? Known him for so many years and he's still a mystery for me. I don't really know why I write all this. There's no point. No clue. No punch line. Nothing. I only had to write a few words about him just to realize that I simply can't
pigeonhole his person.
Never.
Maybe he keeps thinking those things I used to easily read from his face only a few years (or maybe months?) ago but even though he can hide it well now. Or maybe my special abilities were caused by liquor in my blood? There always appeared courage and for a few seconds I was someone I maybe am now a little bit. My showing off, my desperate need to show him my highly doubted... intelligence?
And for a few seconds we were soul mates. Or I only wanted to think so. Maybe. I you ask me - this moment will never come back again. And I'm kind of glad of it.
almond
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Somehow someone's back in game ;)
17.12.2011
This might be stupid.
I don't get along any more. Two faculties - it is a killer of the free time, social life and relax.
And despite you want more, you keep thinking about yourself in high words and still have high expectations - it doesn't matter 'cause you CAN'T do it. Sometimes it's too hard to sit another hour looking at the lab's instruction or spend another evening learning for another test. 'Cause you have one tomorow and the day after even two.
But a moment ago I reminded myself his dark eyes and the way he turned around and blinked. To me. It was a long time ago! But somehow it still makes me smile. And still I believe that I can more than that. And maybe it'll help the person I really need to help right now. I mean my attitude.
I can have my glory back, I know that.
almond
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Ocean's blue
12.09.2011
I've recently found out that they want me. So what? Long before I got the letter I realized that it doesn't matter. I never wanted to get involved, I just wanted to
know. Pretty stupid reason. I had no intention in meeting people like me. Not as long as he is involved. Am I scared?
It's a hard time right now. So many things are happening. So much to do, so much to think about. So... weird. I feel like hanging a few inches above my body. It's so unreal.
almond
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Canoe filled with joy and... water
10.09.2011
There
He is! Another man I can look at when sad and miserable. Another full-positive attitude. Another self-confident, smiled guy with many great interests. With azure eyes, intelligent forehead and hair maybe even fairer than mine. Another one who could be an angel for sad days and hours filled with resignation.
I'll never be like one of
Them - I can tell it right now. I'll probably keep trying but I'm more like a lonely and insecure type. But it's great to know that somewhere there are incarnated angels walking down on earth. Incarnated
Good I'd say, even if it's more in my head. But what I've seen is mine and what I saw was care, happiness, joy and this amazing ability to do what you believe in. Passion for life! Rarely seen lately. I really need to get to know more of
Them!
almond
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Escape
31.08.2011
What if someone would like to hide, to runaway, finish his miserable existence in this place.
But will not 'cause he's a coward.
Where has my optimism gone?
almond
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Fire and dust
29.08.2011
I'm pretty lost in nowhere. Pretty down with nothing. Pretty undressed for life. Pretty missing light blue eyes and pretty scared that there's nothing to build up, nothing to change, nothing to make things better. How dumb that I can't take it out of my mind? When I know this would never work out. I can brightly see a picture of a happy evening but a can't imagine a way that leads to this evening. I screwed it up way before I thought I could have mean anything. Well, it did.
Bravo! Vive les bridges in fire!
almond
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:)
24.08.2011
"omg you are soo beautiful I am really impressed :)"
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Here I go again
24.08.2011
So... That's weird. I'm furious like all the time. My brother... I can't stop arguing with him every time I'm talking to him. Now I've just said something really strong. And my lack of arguments has killed me.
I don't now anything anymore. I don't have a strong personality. I can't make any statement and stand with it till the end. I'll probably find a strong authority and clap my hands in the rhythm of his/her talk. I'm very susceptible, especially to enthusiasm. But I can't create an aura of myself to catch people on my optimism. Reason? I don't think I'm an optimist, even though I like to see world this way when ruin stares me in the face. Then I just keep saying: I'll be fine, I'll be fine. And that's all. When thing sort of get back to normal I forget my huge plans and say to myself that I don't need
it. And I probably don't need a 7 thousand week at Caribbean. Maybe I don't need any vacation in the southern Europe. Maybe I don't need to learn one more language when I already know 3 at the level of understanding and two more at the basics.
Yeah, maybe. When I don't have any elaborate plan, everything I touch turn into oblivion. Everything I ever dreamt of sails away.
Maybe my problems have a start in the moment when I started believing that I'm someone special. Like a
Übermensch,
Surhomme,
oltreuomo. And I'm definitely not. I've been probably my whole life subconsciously trying to be this person that can achieve everything. Now I know that it's impossible to a common person to have it all. How stupid have I been? How stupid am I that I keep blaming my brother for showing me what I can't have?
A short comparison: he's got it all. Self-confidence, look (like somebody have taken all the good features and gave it to him, leaving me with nothing. I only have this hair. What the hell am I gonna do with it?), a genius brain - and by genius I mean genius. Not a brain who'll cheat on Mensa's test to feel good about being in the intelligence's elite of the world (which doesn't matter by the way) but the one Albert Einstein might have been born with. He's got the whole easiness when talking to people and he can be assertive. He can say no. And he's really funny.
So here's the answer to my question: will I ever write the book of my dreams? No. I only can copy a few ideas from other books.
Will I ever be better than him at some point? Probably the points he'd never like to explore.
I'm so stupid with my attitude to life. So stupid when it's time to make some serious decisions.
I'm really down right now. And I feel bad for yelling at him. He only can feel bad about loosing a support. He easily take what's his and even much more. I don't have this ability. Another damage for me.
<>
almond
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Embarrassment of our times
20.08.2011
Here it is. Saturday. Day of pleasure and nice rest? Not for me. Maybe it's kind of war I'm having with my brother but it can't be any longer that he overwhelms our room. Childish? I reckon it's something I should have done it long time ago. I mean fight for what's mine. How people can respect you if you don't respect yourself? I you let them simply kick you off?
So, what's with the fight? I couldn't just sit there in the tones of dust so I started cleaning. And there they were, thousands of old papers, old exams, old essays...
Yeah, old essay. One in the million. I blushed when just I read the title. Well, it was somewhere there when we used to talk about middle ages' poetry and paintings. This lesson I'll probably remember till the rest of my life. Nutty asked our boys what's their ideal woman but just her outlook. Somebody said
Cleopatra, the other one little brunette, someone finally said blonde with perfect skin. Everybody in the classroom felt even the sliest excitement, as far as I can remember. At last, we were talking about what we like and we were like what? 16? 17? It's the age when you find those information quite useful. I found out all the truth the myth that blondes are as popular as american movies want us to believe. But anyway I can honestly tell: this day nobody was sleeping. And at the very end we had three topic to choose: describe the look of a woman (once again), write a love letter or describe a day of person in love.
Alors... I choose the last one. I write it down on my knee and never finish. Give Nutty my work without any ending. And find it after too many years to let it still matter. But it matters somehow. It's very personal. As I remember that year was filled with feelings and emotions that remind alive even now.
16 stycznia
Tęsknię!
Tak bardzo mi go brakuje...
Dziś w szkole też go nie było. Cała spięta czekałam na pierwszą lekcję, mając nadzieję, że po prostu się spóźnia. Szybko dowiedziałam się jednak, że to nie kolejny poranny konkurs historyczny, tylko po prostu choroba. Błażej powiedział, że mój Maciuś ma grypę. Mam nadzieję, że Blogu nie zauważył moich rumieńców, kiedy mówił o stanie zdrowia naszego geniusza. Nie wiem też, czy nie zauważył, jak radośnie rozbłysły mi oczy, gdy dowiedziałam się o jego jutrzejszym powrocie. Bo tego radosnego uśmiechu z pewnością nie ukryłam.
Gdy siedzę sama w pokoju, a z głośników płyną smutne dźwięki "You are so beautiful", trudno nie myśleć o Maćku. Ciekawe, czy kiedy w poniedziałek odwrócił się do mnie na PO myślał o tym samym, co ja. Tak miło się uśmiechał. I miał ten ciepły wzrok. Uwielbiam, gdy nasze spotkania znienacka się spotykają. Wtedy on mruży swoje zielone oczy w ciemnej oprawie i patrzy na mnie tak miło i przyjaźnie, że człowiek nie potrafi pozostać obojętny. Po prostu trzeba mu na ten uśmiech odpowiedzieć. Najchętniej bym do niego podbiegła i w przypływie emocji mocno przytuliła się do czarnej bluzy. Mój Maciek zawsze tak ładnie pachnie i (...)
Gênant. It's not the actual work without ending, there was more. I'm just not capable now after nearly five years let this words slide through my fingers again and then I gave a sample of my feelings to read. How's that possible? There probably wouldn't be any problems like this if I always did my homework on time. Like a normal human being, at home, at my desk.
And I remember my embarrassment and stress at the lesson when Nutty was choosing people who'll read their essays out loud in front of the whole class. I think that it was really nice of her that she spared me this public humiliation. She was pretty intelligent and new a lot, I assume. I think this day with my first positive grade from her subject made me really start liking her.
almond
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How is it with enthusiasm?
19.08.2011
"You want it?', asked Partick. "Go and get it!!"
Is that real? Is the idea of taking what you want this simple? Of course, there is plenty of work to do before you get the final effect, but is really self-confidence and belief most important? Not forgetting about the whole idea. Is my brother one of those chosen ones who know exactly what they want and will do anything to succeed? Or is he just in those weird places when you just think it's all gonna work out but there is hidden truth which you're gonna avoid by replacing the priorities until you can say that you've got all that you've actually ever wanted.
Or maybe that's better than doing simply nothing? Just trying maybe can give you at least experience?
later
I bet you don't know how it feels
to be walking past your house at night
I bet you don't know how it feels
To stand outside and watch the lights
I found this song. And... that's me. Walking past his house of
life. No only grey existence filled with things that don't matter and never will. Life made of gentle spiders' webs. Friends there. Laugh. Light. And me, looking shyly through the window, naively hoping that there also is a place like this for me. And this man who's got it all. Shining with arabian beauty. Beauty of body and soul.
Is there any hope out there? that I'll be open like all of them?
almond
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